As the Dog Days Dissipate.

I've been writing two different blog posts for the last week or so. One is about fear and the other is about the relief that autumn brings--escape from heat, return to books, and those sweet moments when I realize I have a new life here. However, it would be false to pretend that either one (fear or relief/contentedness) could stand alone. They are two parts of the same experience, two shades of the same color, two essential threads of the cloth of autumn.

A mentor once told me that autumn is frequently viewed as the season of release. The time to let things go. Given that statement, no wonder it is a time marked by fear and relief. I find it is always frightening to let go of something I am accustomed to or to relinquish control over something, whether or not it is good for me. And, yet to be free again, shew. That is quite a feeling. This fall, for me, is a time to release all the dreams I have for my life. Not to give up on them, but to just let them be for a while, to let myself be. And, to be here. It's terrifying. Thinking about PhD applications, or projects I might want to do, or the possible (and some inevitable) failures I will encounter can make my head spin. A healthy dose of that can be good, I find. But, I take great solace in Okhi Forest's words: "To be fearless is not to get rid of fear or to numb yourself to it, but to experience your fears even more strongly."

While these meditations on fear swirl about my brain, I also can't help but breathe a little easier. There's something visceral about the way cooler weather affects me. My posture is more relaxed, my sense of humor less cutting, my time less "valuable" (meaning I just hang out more readily). Oh! And, I like my fall clothes a lot better.

As I reflect on these dual processes at work, I wonder if perhaps they are not two separate entities at all. Maybe the former is a product of the latter. As I relax and become more comfortable with myself and my life, surely fears will come up (as they say, life isn't all beer and skittles). But perhaps by embracing fear and facing it head on, it reduces the power of fear over my life. Perhaps it is through fear that relief comes. Then again, maybe I'm reading too much philosophy and still recovering from the heat. ;)

Fearlessly, contentedly, authentically,

Sierra