I've been up late studying--reading articles and books about sight, knowledge, and ineffability. Ace has been enjoying the finer points of a life of leisure, namely sleeping. As I try to quiet my brain to join him for morning dreams scripted by my unconscious, I cannot help but feel content.
The last few weeks have been a bit uncomfortable. After deciding not to pursue a PhD for the time being, I've been engaged in the process of disseminating this information to those I love. While the emotion has mostly been one of relief, I have also felt nervous about telling my mentors from college, including my advisor. It turns out I had myself all worked up for nothing. Everyone expressed support, love, and hope for me. To think, I could tell people I have less of an idea of what I want to "do" with my life and more confidence about how I want to "be" and that they would listen to all my hippie dippy nonsense and then encourage me? To see (and be seen!) so completely without a bunch of inner turmoil and self-flagellation is truly refreshing. As my chaplain and friend put it, "It's nice to be able to change without going through crisis."
In the wake of this proclamation, I have come down with a cold. Maybe it's a consequence of all my jet-setting, or perhaps it has to do with the changing weather, but part of me wonders if it's all connected. Perhaps I'm having what my dear qi gong teacher, Ellie, would call a qi reaction, or what I might call, my body-expurgating-some-built-up-gunk. Maybe at the same time that my head came to a revelation, my heart and body jumped on board. Or maybe it's foolish to think my head was ever the one steering, at least not these days. More likely, my heart has been at the helm all along. It just took my head a while to catch up and now my body can relax and swab the decks (to stick with the boat metaphor).
I think one of my greatest fears was letting people down by sharing the next step of my path with them without actually knowing why or what might come after. The outpouring of unadulterated support is echoed in the words of my advisor, who after a talk over lunch said to me, "My suspicion is that you'll find revelations where ever you go."
To be so loved and to have so much certainty in who I am expressed by those I admire most is humbling. Yet, somehow, it affirms what I already know about myself: No matter what, I will be okay. My heart encompasses wide expanses that I have yet to travel, as does the world. In the years to come, I hope to explore both. And with a sidekick like this, how could I not believe that everything will be ok?
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