Maybe it’s because my summer has been so full. Maybe it’s because I have had a crazy year and being away has been a welcome respite. Sure, maybe. More likely, I think it has to do with the fact that I finally feel like I’m getting a real sense of what I want.
I’ve always wondered what I wanted to “do,” what I wanted to “be,” and how on earth I would get there. This summer, I’ve tried to reflect on what makes me happiest, what catches my attention, and how I could make a life of doing those things.
I really love applying for stuff. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I’ve applied for more grants, scholarships, and admission to schools than I can even count. I’ve been lucky to win a portion and have accepted a few. However, this constant chasing of “shiny things” has allowed me to get wrapped up in dreams that aren’t necessarily something I want. Take, for instance, my application to the Rotary Foundation.
I applied under the guise of studying international relations in Chile. A fairly competitive process, I was selected as a recipient. However, when it came time to actually set the wheels in motion, I decided not to go. I’ve always reflected on that as a peculiar situation since I was going through a rough patch in general (and specifically a gigantically horrific break-up). Lately, though, I’ve started to realize that I will apply for damn near anything. I like writing. I like dreaming up crazy projects and justifying why I’m perfect for that situation. Sometimes I even convince myself of that fact. (Mind you, this is just one example. I have more.)
So, I ask myself, What is it about applying that I love? Why do I love dreaming up possible lives, but not necessarily pursuing those lives? Why is that I feel I should be disappointed that I didn’t go on that Rotary year, but really, I don’t care?
The answer is simple and you know it already. I want to create. I want to write. And, I will. It's just nice to finally feel like I don't have to have an "excuse" to do it.
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