As Things Unravel...

I'm finding myself in need of time alone or, rather, more accurately, time away from HDS.

That's not to say that I don't value the education I'm receiving or that I don't see HDS as a place where I have grown an incredible amount as an adult. However, it seems that my point of transition is now, rather than in May.

I find it strange that this realization has coincided with a few rather unpleasant interactions with peers and colleagues. Part of me feels like this is what happens when a break is occurring. We cling to that which is most actively slipping through our fingers. I have less to give and so it seems it renders exposed the needs of those I am no longer as available to help. This reactionary grasping has a two-fold effect of making my stepping away from HDS easier (through anger) and somehow more profoundly confusing (through sadness).

I've never really been clear on why people seem to get so angry at me sometimes, but right now it feels like a comforting sort of growing pain. I am becoming the woman who has always been part of me (yet never realized) and that requires some painful repositioning of friendships and commitments. HDS is no longer my life, but instead, my graduate school. As part of that affirmation, I'm finding myself drawn to other people and other spaces. It might seem that this change is a result of my blossoming relationship, but really, I think my relationship is indicative of this necessary shift taking place within me. I'm less dependent upon the support and structure of HDS and through this independence, I am able to say a deep and full thank you and also to step away. Funny how it feels oddly reminiscent to the way I felt at CC when I was finally leaving.

I guess goodbye is coming early for me this time 'round. Now, let's just hope I can stay focused enough to finish my classes and all my other projects and still have fun.