All I can do to account for my lack of writing, dear friends, is apologize and perhaps offer an explanation. First off, let me give a truly good apology.
I am sorry. Not just sorry in a sense of I regret this, but
I am sorry in that I cannot share everyday with each of you. I am sorry that I
can't show you with my hands the beauty of my life. I'm sorry you don't get to
see Ace every morning as he rejoices in another day. I'm sorry you haven't met
Jason who has made my life blossom in ways I've never imagined. I'm sorry I
can't show you my book (yet) and the wonderful things unfolding in my interior
life. I'm sorry I can't hold your hand when things are hard and you are
hurting. I'm sorry I can't tell you all the stories I hold in my heart and my
head.
Now, an explanation. Simply put: I've been busy. I've been
busy writing other things, playing with friends and my love and my pup. I've
been busy building a life from all the foundation materials you all and my life
have equipped me with.
Concretely, though, let me give you a run down of what I've
been up to.
In November, Ace turned six and we embraced the fading of
another year together. I also started writing a creative piece for a final
project for one of my classes without knowing quite where it was headed. I continued work on the documentary I had
started work on and wrote a performance art piece.
In December, I performed my multimedia piece at Arts@29
Garden, an experimental space at Harvard University. It was my first (and
perhaps) flirtation with performance art and I was lucky to enlist a couple
talented people to join me. I also finished 115 pages of that creative piece,
which I titled Lilith's Repose, and
wrapped shooting for the documentary called Staking
Our Ground. December was also the month I met Jason, who very quickly
became a game changer for me. I spent my holiday break with my sister Allison
and missed the rest of my family very, very much.
January 9, 2012 marks the single most important day of my
life thus far. My niece, Morgan Sophia Howard was born and I began the long
process of understanding what it means to be more than a selfish individual. I
also continued to enjoy my long break, spending most of my time working at the
cafe and writing a one-act play, A Divine Comedy: a semi-musical of theological
proportions. In my free time, I found myself ever closer with Jason, spending
more time seeing the wonders of Boston and getting to know his friends and
family. We became a "we" mid-January and the crazy adventure we've
been on continued.
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| My niece!! |
February brought with it a trip to Colorado to meet my
niece, spend time with my family, and see old friends. That month also marked
the 35th anniversary of my parents, Betty and Dorman Diller. With that
anniversary they showed me what it means to love someone and how much just
staying committed makes something real.
March brought spring break, but it also brought the premier
of the musical, the editing of the documentary, and further poetic creations.
Easter found me in Jason's house with his parents, Paul and Kathy, and his
brothers, Brian and Casey, (and the lovely, lovely Emma, Brian's girlfriend). I
was included into a wonderful yearly tradition of the Barth-Knight family in
which they run lilies (or other signs of spring) to their neighbors' houses,
dressed as spring animals. Of course, I was the ever-famous Easter Macaw. Jason
and I also decided in this month that we would start looking to move to
Colorado after we graduated.
I danced into April blissfully, which brought with it both
my first trip to Cape Cod and Sandy Shoals, the Barth-Knight home on the sea in
Brewster, MA and our first fight. We resolved it with loving kindness and
listening and I knew I would be lucky to love Jason as long as we could both
manage to treat each other with such kindness. I also finished my one-act play
for my play writing class and was lucky to watch seven talented people perform
a reading for my class and my teacher (not to mention two of my biggest fans,
Jason and Angel). This month also brought the premier of my documentary (which
will hopefully be available online soon)
I'm not sure I remember May, but I can tell you some of the
things that happened:
- I finished my last graduate classes
- I turned 26
- Jason graduated from his Master's program with a degree in education
- I graduated from Harvard Divinity School with my Master in Theological Studies
- My uncle, sister Ashleigh, and grandmother came for a five day visit over graduation
- My parents, Betty and Dorman, and sister Allison came for a few days over graduation and the following weekend
- Jason and I moved to Lexington where we currently reside with his parents
- A poem of mine was selected to be included an anthology of biblical poetry
- I helped coordinate Theological Revue, an annual roasting of HDS by its own students
- As a graduation present, Jason took me to my first Red Sox game (even though I was on crutches from falling mid-moving)
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| My uncle and I at graduation! |
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| A photo Jason took of me on his front porch |
June arrived without my permission, speeding me through my
early summer. Most of the month was spent writing (more below) and applying to
jobs in Denver. It also brought with it an extended weekend in Maine, learning
to fly fish and playing games with Jason, his parents Paul and Kathy, his
brothers Casey and Brian, and the ever lovely Emma. I caught 20 fish and was
promoted to "no longer a beginner" at fly fishing by Maine Fishing
Guide Tom, who took Jason and I to a special spot to wade into the water and
catch a dozen or so fish. The experience was delightful as I'd only ever done
spin casting and found fly fishing to be a much more technical and engaging
endeavor. I also had the great pleasure of watching my dear friend from college
Meghann marry her lovely husband Joe. It was a wonderful time to celebrate love
and catch up with another dear friend Chelsea and meet her hilarious and fun
boyfriend, Matt. Jason and I received many a compliment on our rug-cutting. On
the writing front, I wrote 50,000+ words in June, completing the first draft of
my novel (which is what the creative piece Lilith's Repose turned into). It was
a true feat which found me typing as quickly as possible minutes before we had
to run to the wedding.
July is more or less in full swing and has already involved
the meeting of Jason's extended family (on both sides!) for a family gathering
in Brewster. I met Paul's parents, all of Paul's siblings, their kids, and one
lovely kid's kid. I also spent a good deal of time with Kathy's mother and
sister, both of whom I had had the distinct pleasure of meeting before. My days
at Brewster passed too quickly, filled with sunshine (only one sunburn!), lots
of quality beach and arts time with my new friends Sasha, who turns 10 next
week, Ayden, an eight year old, and Lily, who is two and a half. The week also
included: bonfires, Duck, Duck, Goose, s'mores, bocce (and more bocce), family
photos, delicious meals, drinks on the deck, drinks on the beach, fireworks,
the Brewster Coffee Shop, Risk, THE BOAT!!, dancing when everyone else is
playing bocce, eating waaaay too much, ice cream at Kate's! and pretending to
read when really I was sunbathing with an open book. Last night, we returned
from Cape Cod to our lovely residence in Lexington, where we hosted a bunch of
our friends for a barbecue and other festivities. Today has brought rest and
now time to work, work, work. We are both completing applications, job
searching, and trying not to go too crazy. It's a scary time to be without a
job and looking for some way to make money/support a life/our dog. Jason is
also working to complete a little remaining graduate work and I'm working on
the materials for a wedding I will be officiating for my friends Krista and
Joseph in early August. My other hopes for July are to edit my book, finish the
manuscript for a childrens' book that Emma and I have been discussing for ages,
edit my play (and submit it to a contest), and write a few submissions for
other magazines and books.
We will be leaving to go to Denver for about a week in a few
days, so that Jason can interview and we can look for an apartment. Upon our
return, we will begin packing, have a yard sale, rent a pod (for shipping all
our stuff out), and begin our drive. I fly to Seattle for the wedding I am
officiating on August 2 from Denver, and so we have a deadline by which we'd
like to be in Denver (and I'll have to be in Denver).
August will hopefully bring with it not only our friends'
wedding, but starting new jobs and settling into a new place. We're both
nervous and excited and hopeful and trying to remember we're on the same team.
It's hard to keep a level head when so much is in flux. It's hard to remember
who is rooting for you and who isn't. It's hard to trust in what hasn't quite
materialized yet.
A little story!
Jason and I were both freaking out a little bit the other
day. We were in Brewster still and had gone on a car ride to clear our minds.
We sat in the parked (but still running car), hesitant to go back inside and
face the world/the family. He had had a job interview that day and wasn't sure about what
the outcome might be (something that had happened to me two weeks earlier) and
I was just becoming exhausted by the job search (I've applied for so much and
only gotten one phone interview). We looked at each other with eyes full of
tears and fear and I said, "You know, it's really scary, but we're only 25
and 26. And, we have each other and we know what we really want to do. That
seems like a lot to me."
Jason
smiled and my heart melted the way it only melts for him. "We're pretty
lucky."
Still a bit
shaky, we went back into the house. That night, I heard Jason share with his
aunt how happy he was and how he believed we were going to be okay because
"We know what we want to do with our lives and who we want to spend them with. Now we just gotta find
jobs."
It's scary
to be unemployed. It's scary to move to a new place. It's scary to be so young
and also suddenly kind of old. But, for the first time, I'm scared with someone
who wants to be scared with me. Don't get me wrong. I'm lucky. I've always had
friends and family who support me through everything and will do anything for
me. And, I know that in a heartbeat Chloe, or Katie, or Tasia, or Lavinia, or
Jason F., or Adam, or Amy, or my parents, or my sisters, or my uncle, or my
grandma, or...any of you probably would take me into your homes and hold me and
help me figure things out, but it's different to have someone cast their lot
with you. It's different for Jason and I to be gambling on the same thing. And,
it's exciting. Who knows if it will blow up in our faces or if we'll fight (I'm
sure we will) or if we'll hate Denver or if we'll love it? I don't. But, I'm
excited to try and there's no one else I'd rather try with. Oh, and Ace will be
there, so it'll definitely be fun.
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