As Things Unravel...

I'm finding myself in need of time alone or, rather, more accurately, time away from HDS.

That's not to say that I don't value the education I'm receiving or that I don't see HDS as a place where I have grown an incredible amount as an adult. However, it seems that my point of transition is now, rather than in May.

I find it strange that this realization has coincided with a few rather unpleasant interactions with peers and colleagues. Part of me feels like this is what happens when a break is occurring. We cling to that which is most actively slipping through our fingers. I have less to give and so it seems it renders exposed the needs of those I am no longer as available to help. This reactionary grasping has a two-fold effect of making my stepping away from HDS easier (through anger) and somehow more profoundly confusing (through sadness).

I've never really been clear on why people seem to get so angry at me sometimes, but right now it feels like a comforting sort of growing pain. I am becoming the woman who has always been part of me (yet never realized) and that requires some painful repositioning of friendships and commitments. HDS is no longer my life, but instead, my graduate school. As part of that affirmation, I'm finding myself drawn to other people and other spaces. It might seem that this change is a result of my blossoming relationship, but really, I think my relationship is indicative of this necessary shift taking place within me. I'm less dependent upon the support and structure of HDS and through this independence, I am able to say a deep and full thank you and also to step away. Funny how it feels oddly reminiscent to the way I felt at CC when I was finally leaving.

I guess goodbye is coming early for me this time 'round. Now, let's just hope I can stay focused enough to finish my classes and all my other projects and still have fun.

Valentine's Day

So, I sort of failed at my winter break to do list. Didn't write a single post. And, honestly, I'm very proud of myself for that. I needed that space to breathe and really dig into my reading for my thesis. I have only now found a chunk of time to write as I sit on the floor of the building where I was taught to understand Kant's reason, found my own voice as a woman, and formed some of the most important relationships in my life. Here is the echoing halls of Armstrong, I have a moment to reflect while I wait for my sister to pick me up and drive me home to my family.

Smack dab in the middle of the first month of the new semester, I chose to leave for 10 days. In all honesty, I didn't get much of a winter break and I was going a little nuts my first few weeks back at school. I had a hard time concentrating, I kept feeling panicked, and only the firm embrace of my darling could really get me to sit still. Also, I got sick twice in about a month. I needed a break.

As soon as I landed in the Rocky Mountain West, I felt relief wash over my body. Ah. That crisp, thin mountain air filled my inadequate lungs and I felt calm infuse my every cell. The next five days (including today) were a mixture of meditation with my old group, wine and laughter with old friends, yoga taught by my dear friend Kari Kwinn, revisiting my college haunts, and remembering how different it felt to be here when I was younger. I am still the same Sierra. My hair is still red, my heart still beats to the same rhythm of Rocky Mountain love, I still study religion. Yet, I am not the same. I am an adult now. My friends and mentors can hear it in the way I speak and it seems more true than ever when I look at seniors in college and laugh to myself about youth. Suddenly, it is I who is not so young.

This Valentine's Day will be significantly distinct from any I've experienced thus far. I will hold my niece. I will celebrate my parents 35th wedding anniversary. And, I will share this (somewhat ridiculous) holiday with someone special, even if from afar. This is the Sierra who lives and breathes in this body.

So far, I like growing up.