Writing and Failure

Yesterday, I failed. I'd been writing three pages everyday for 30 days. Mostly, I was trying to get things in order for the wedding I'm going to officiate on Saturday, but also, I was getting things out of my head, things I was holding onto that weren't really helpful. And, I completed 30 days. My next goal was 100. Then, I just forgot. I forgot to write. Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal. Maybe you wouldn't call that failure, but it is. I'm not going to give myself a break and say it's all part of the process or that I can do it again. Yes, those things are true, but I think it's important for me to face failure.

I've failed a lot in my short life. People tend not to believe that when they talk to me about what I have done. I have written a lot. I have completed two degrees. I have worked and paid off loans (and gotten new ones, but no one focuses on that). I have worked through a lot of personal and emotional issues. I have faced my demons. But, sometimes, the demons have won.

I've ruined relationships and run out of money and lied to my parents and turned my back on my friends. I've been selfish and cruel and given up. I've simply forgotten that I had things to do. I've canceled on people and overslept and fallen down stairs and missed feeding my dog (only once). And, yesterday, I forgot to write. It's a simple task. I can usually finish my three pages in nine to twelve minutes. I even told Jason I needed to write at some point.

Instead, I watched television and made meals and caught up with an old friend. It was actually a really wonderful day, so I can't even say that I regret not writing. I also have no intention to punish myself. But, I do think I need to own up to that fact. I need to accept that I disappointed one person: me.

So, what's the lesson? What should I take away from my failure? What do I need to understand about why I failed? Let's see if I can't use all that book learning and critical thinking to draw some conclusions.

First, I think it's important for me to realize why I write. I write because it is my life blood. I write because I am a better person when I spend time putting words on the page, whether I'm writing a story or journaling or blogging or whatever. I write because it's who I am, but it's also a discipline. Something I have to craft into a practice.

Second, I need to accept what writing does to me. The peace of mind it brings is what writing does for me. What it does to me is a whole different thing. Like any attempt at self-improvement (I'm thinking here of meditation or therapy, weight loss or exercise), writing has an effect on me of dredging up my ugly stuff, reviving my demons and setting them loose on me. I fight more with the people I love. I draw away. I feel weak and lost. Like meditation, though, I find that if I stick with it, I can reach the other side. I can withstand the barrage of self-doubt and self-hatred. I can complete the task at hand and still be part of a loving community. Writing makes me sane, but it can also drive me crazy.

Third, I have to face the consequences of writing. It slows me down. I am less productive on a grand scale because writing takes a lot of energy when it is done well, and it takes time (more time than that actually spent facing the screen) to write. I've also found that writing as much as I do has actually made me less capable at speaking off the cuff. I'm not quite as quick-witted as I once was.

Finally, I need to remember to be grateful for this capacity. Talent is a gift. Art is a discipline. I owe it to myself to discipline my talent into something worthy of sharing with others if I want to continue to call myself a writer. And, this is why not writing one day is a failure. Because that's what I've decided it means to be disciplined. Maybe I'll never make it. Maybe I'll never be a daily writer for a long period of time, but that's the goal. And, you have a goal so that you have something to work toward.

So, maybe you think I'm being hard on myself. And, maybe I am, but I think failure provides the unique opportunity to look around and say, "Well, how exactly did I get here? And where would I like to be?"

Maybe this isn't my happiest post. I guess lately none of them have been. But, I feel comforted by my own shortcomings and I enjoy trying to make myself a better, a more complete, person. Now, off to finish what I've started. My novel needs editing.

On meaning: Aurora and Life

Of course, I've been thinking about Aurora a lot. And, I hate to meditate on something so violent and senseless, but it seems only fair to pause and remember those who were lost in some way or another. I don't really know what I'm supposed to say right now, but I do want to acknowledge their lives. Death tears lives apart, always. But, senseless violence taken out on people in one of their most vulnerable states? That is, indeed, without meaning.

Unlike many columnists or friends on facebook or Batman enthusiasts or criminal psychologists, I refuse to seek meaning in events like what unfolded in Theater Nine in Aurora. There is no meaning. That is the true result of taking a life. Maybe I've studied philosophy too long or not long enough, or perhaps I'm just a child, but I don't want to make meaning of death. I want to recognize it for it's life altering and shattering meaninglessness.

I am devastated by what happened in Aurora. Every time someone asks me if I know anyone who was hurt, I say no. Inevitably, that answer is met with a moment of thanksgiving on the part of the other person. And, I feel shame. I didn't know anyone from Theater Nine. I'm not from Aurora (though my biological mother lives there and some of my friends from college come from that area). But, I hate that the lack of loss on my part means I should feel relieved. I don't. Lives are lost everyday from coast to coast and around the world. Some people are lucky and die of old age. Others are struck down by disease and violence. Others take their own lives. I'm sorry, but for me there is no great comfort in this. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. This is death. And it's pointless. To pretend otherwise is to risk legitimizing too many evils.

I know this is pessimistic. I know this is not a side of me you are used to reading. It's not one I'm used to sharing, really. But, the flip side of the meaninglessness of death is the great meaning of life. Suddenly, our everyday is cast in a brilliant light of thanksgiving. We are lucky, you and I. We are lucky to read and to love and to fight and to make meaning(s) every moment of every day, even when we just want to watch a movie and forget about our own ability to think. Even then, we make meaning of what we see. We are encouraged by powerful protagonists and we can't help but feel for certain villains. We are empathetic despite ourselves. And, that my friends, is the beauty of life.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go kiss my boyfriend and thank the sun that I'm awake and full of life today.

For a great read on how we counter meaninglessness with meaning, here's an article by Senator Michael Johnston: http://blogs.denverpost.com/opinion/2012/07/20/face-hate-displayed-aurora-theater-shootings-love/21847/

When did we stop being able to talk? On Tosh, Communication, and the Public Sphere

Last night, I found myself surrounded by a few of my newer (read: boyfriend's) friends, one of whom is a comedian and one of whom teaches special education and is hilarious. I hadn't really been keeping up with the Daniel Tosh stuff (I tried to find a summary of the story, but it’s all opinion pieces and I just can’t bear to read one more), but had been compelled to read a few articles when I was sent a quote from a dear friend. Out of curiosity, with a keen awareness of how potentially volatile this conversation could become, I asked what they thought of the situation. I expected them to side with Tosh and other comedians and they did. What really threw me was when our conversation quickly devolved into people interrupting one another and getting frustrated and losing the whole point of the topic to defensive non-communicative tactics.

            At one point, I felt my own temper boil over and found myself sneering, "Fine, I'm not talking now. Why don't you say something here in this silence?" I hated that I'd said that and I hated that I'd said it to a new friend.

            I love conversation. It's the thing I do. It's my go-to. I love people and I love ideas and all I want to do is mull those over with people, but lately, I've found myself at a loss for words and frustrated because I feel totally unheard. It wasn't just this scenario, a week earlier in a basement on Cape Cod, I found myself in a heated discussion of whether or not people can change. I felt ideas solidify in my mind, but as soon as I expressed them, I heard them fall flat. The person on the other side tore my argument to shreds in a sound, personal, and unrelenting argument. Sure, I might be having a hard time expressing myself, but I really don't think that's it. I can't help but wonder what happened to conversation as an art and how that might be connected to the decay of the public sphere.

            My friend and classmate Kenny Wiley recently found himself in a communication stalemate in Harvard Yard. He tells the story so much better than I ever could, but the point is that Kenny challenged what the people said. He did what every good organizer, preacher, social educator, student, professor, communicator, therapist, (the list goes on) would do: he reacted to what they said and offered a critique. His counterparts (if one could even call them that since they refused to engage in critical discussion of their assumptions) told him to "lighten up, and 'learn to take a joke.' Wow. My years of education and advocacy send me down rage alley, but my humanity makes me think, Okay, fine. They said something dumb. I say dumb things all the time. But, that they couldn't reflect upon it? That they couldn't for a second question how hurtful, even racist, something they said was inexcusable.

            The three examples above have really lead me to question what has happened in our public discourse. I mean, didn't we used to have conversations? Hard ones? I remember as a kid the Monica Lewinksy case or the OJ Simpson trial. Everyone talked about it. Everyone. And they disagreed, but no one in my family (a group of serious hotheads) ever thought anyone was an idiot for thinking one side or the other. Well, maybe they did. I was pretty young at the time (Full disclosure: I thought OJ was innocent. I now question that belief). And, maybe these are terrible examples. Maybe the public sphere died a long time ago, but I want it back.

            Frankly, I'm over mud-slinging. I'm sick of posting a funny MadTV image on facebook that compares Mitt Romney to Mr. Burnes just to be replied to with blind hatred for Barack Obama. I'm sick of having to point out logical fallacies on both sides of a given debate and being silenced. I'm sick of being told that by critiquing Daniel Tosh I am infringing upon his freedom of speech.

            And this brings me back to the question that have been plaguing me this morning: when did we stop being able to talk? When did you stop listening to me and I stopped listening to you and instead we spent time when we weren't talking buttressing our defenses? Why do I end up viewed as the feminist who clearly is against free speech when it's exercised by a straight white male? Why are my ideas supposedly easy to decipher before I've even said anything? Why do my friends, people I count as truly close to me, assume that I've already made up my mind? And, why do I find myself not listening to anything they say when someone advocates for the rape joke? Most importantly, why do all these things lead to an inability to even discuss the matter at hand?

            I miss getting to have a conversation that is really a conversation, one in which the people I am with and I explore a topic, trying to turn over every edge of the debate, wondering what corners we might have missed. I miss being self-critical and being willing to question my own impulses, arguments, and beliefs. I really, really miss having other people "see my point." I haven't heard that phrase in years.

            And, you know, the funniest thing is how undecided I am about the whole Daniel Tosh thing. I think what he said was dumb and just not a very good joke, and I think if he told the audience that they should rape the woman then he crossed a serious line. But, I also kind of think Daniel Tosh is really, really just not funny. So, I don't totally care. I fancy myself a lover of comedy, having practiced with and later trained peer-improv troupes for years. I've made rape jokes and thought that other students' reactions were over-blown. I've argued that "no thing is sacrosanct." Do I regret that? I don't know. Maybe. But, how I feel about that is nothing compared to how frustrated I feel by the fact that we can't even talk about it.

            In Lindy West's acerbic (and hilarious) article, she states:

"...a comedy club is not some sacred space. It's a guy with a microphone standing on a stage that's only one foot above the ground. And the flip-side of that awesome microphone power you have—wow, you can seriously say whatever you want!—is that audiences get to react to your words however we want. The defensive refrains currently echoing around the internet are, "You just don't get it—comedians need freedom. That's how comedy gets made. If you don't want to be offended, then stay out of comedy clubs." (Search for "comedians," "freedom," "offended," and "comedy clubs" on Twitter if you don't believe me.) You're exactly right. That is how comedy gets made. So CONSIDER THIS YOUR F**KING FEEDBACK. Ninety percent of your rape material is not working, and you can tell it's not working because your audience is telling you that they hate those jokes. This is the feedback you asked for.

If people don't want to be offended, they shouldn't go to comedy clubs? Maybe. But if you don't want people to react to your jokes, you shouldn't get on stage and tell your jokes to people."

I can’t help but agree. Maybe I wouldn’t say it that way and maybe I’m less clear on the issues than she is, but I do agree. Public discourse is about providing that feedback. It’s Kenny telling those kids they’re being inappropriate. It’s the feminists telling Daniel Tosh he went too far. It’s pundits critiquing Obama. Or Romney. Or healthcare. Or patriotism. The point is that the public sphere should be about discussion—heartfelt, respectful discussion where something is on the line, where people are willing to listen to others and examine their own beliefs.

            I just want to talk again. I want to talk about things I care about and I want to listen to what people have to say. I want to discuss rape jokes, but I want to do so fairly, understanding that for so many women (and men) rape is not an objective scenario to be discussed, but something they have survived. I want to talk about race because damn, I have so much to learn, but I care about learning. I want to talk about politics because I care about civil rights and I still care about Republicans. I just want to talk because it makes me a better person to have a conversation rather than to sit in a room and make my mind up about things.

            I talk about things because I don't know what exactly I think. I talk about things because I'm confused and I'm sad and for goodness's sake, shouldn't someone be talking about it? I talk about things because I want to understand others and if we all begin a conversation by saying we agree, then haven't we made the most fatal mistake: agreeing based on a assumption that we're assuming the same thing? I talk about things because I think too many people have been silenced. And, I'm sorry if this pisses off other feminists or if it pisses off men, but I think that everyone has a right to be at the table, but critically so. I do not think because you are a comedian you have the right to defend Tosh without thinking about the real harm his words could have had. I do not think because you are a feminist you have the right to say that men "just don't get it." Rape is real. It is horrific. But, at some point, we have to talk about it, listening to what others have to say. We have to reclaim the public sphere because we need it.

            So, how do we do that? I have no idea on a grand scale. But, for myself, I know that I need to start with shutting up. Even if it makes my eyes twitch, I need to sit there and listen to someone’s argument, someone’s emotions, someone’s feelings (no matter how well or poorly informed I feel they are) before I say a damn word. I also need to be unafraid to take some room to share my opinion, not because I am sure but because I think I’m needed in the public sphere, too.

            And, I’m sorry, but I don’t count writing something crazy on someone’s facebook posts about Obama is having a conversation. The internet and facebook have granted us complete and utter lack of accountability and that’s not the kind of conversation I’m talking about. The kind I think we need is a lot less entertaining, a lot more engaging, a lot more exhausting, and potentially a lot more productive. If you can show me holes in my thought and I can show you details you missed in your argument, think about our potential for real understanding. THAT excites me. I don’t care about Daniel Tosh. I don’t care about pundits or theorists. I care about you and me and how I remember it used to be: having real conversations that didn’t end with everyone feeling so unheard and interrupted and marginalized that we couldn’t even look at each other.

            So, next time you see me and we broach a big topic, remind me of what I said. Tell me to let you finish and listen to what I have to say once I start. In short, let’s talk.

Let's take a moment to review that play...

I couldn't remember the last time I had written a blog post, so I was trying to give an account for the last few months. Forgive me for over-explaining. Also, this one is a doozy, so feel free to skip around month by month.

All I can do to account for my lack of writing, dear friends, is apologize and perhaps offer an explanation. First off, let me give a truly good apology.

I am sorry. Not just sorry in a sense of I regret this, but I am sorry in that I cannot share everyday with each of you. I am sorry that I can't show you with my hands the beauty of my life. I'm sorry you don't get to see Ace every morning as he rejoices in another day. I'm sorry you haven't met Jason who has made my life blossom in ways I've never imagined. I'm sorry I can't show you my book (yet) and the wonderful things unfolding in my interior life. I'm sorry I can't hold your hand when things are hard and you are hurting. I'm sorry I can't tell you all the stories I hold in my heart and my head.

Now, an explanation. Simply put: I've been busy. I've been busy writing other things, playing with friends and my love and my pup. I've been busy building a life from all the foundation materials you all and my life have equipped me with.

Concretely, though, let me give you a run down of what I've been up to.

In November, Ace turned six and we embraced the fading of another year together. I also started writing a creative piece for a final project for one of my classes without knowing quite where it was headed. I continued work on the documentary I had started work on and wrote a performance art piece.

In December, I performed my multimedia piece at Arts@29 Garden, an experimental space at Harvard University. It was my first (and perhaps) flirtation with performance art and I was lucky to enlist a couple talented people to join me. I also finished 115 pages of that creative piece, which I titled Lilith's Repose, and wrapped shooting for the documentary called Staking Our Ground. December was also the month I met Jason, who very quickly became a game changer for me. I spent my holiday break with my sister Allison and missed the rest of my family very, very much.

January 9, 2012 marks the single most important day of my life thus far. My niece, Morgan Sophia Howard was born and I began the long process of understanding what it means to be more than a selfish individual. I also continued to enjoy my long break, spending most of my time working at the cafe and writing a one-act play, A Divine Comedy: a semi-musical of theological proportions. In my free time, I found myself ever closer with Jason, spending more time seeing the wonders of Boston and getting to know his friends and family. We became a "we" mid-January and the crazy adventure we've been on continued.

My niece!!

February brought with it a trip to Colorado to meet my niece, spend time with my family, and see old friends. That month also marked the 35th anniversary of my parents, Betty and Dorman Diller. With that anniversary they showed me what it means to love someone and how much just staying committed makes something real.

March brought spring break, but it also brought the premier of the musical, the editing of the documentary, and further poetic creations. Easter found me in Jason's house with his parents, Paul and Kathy, and his brothers, Brian and Casey, (and the lovely, lovely Emma, Brian's girlfriend). I was included into a wonderful yearly tradition of the Barth-Knight family in which they run lilies (or other signs of spring) to their neighbors' houses, dressed as spring animals. Of course, I was the ever-famous Easter Macaw. Jason and I also decided in this month that we would start looking to move to Colorado after we graduated.

I danced into April blissfully, which brought with it both my first trip to Cape Cod and Sandy Shoals, the Barth-Knight home on the sea in Brewster, MA and our first fight. We resolved it with loving kindness and listening and I knew I would be lucky to love Jason as long as we could both manage to treat each other with such kindness. I also finished my one-act play for my play writing class and was lucky to watch seven talented people perform a reading for my class and my teacher (not to mention two of my biggest fans, Jason and Angel). This month also brought the premier of my documentary (which will hopefully be available online soon)

I'm not sure I remember May, but I can tell you some of the things that happened:

• I finished my last graduate classes
• I turned 26
• Jason graduated from his Master's program with a degree in education
• I graduated from Harvard Divinity School with my Master in Theological Studies
• My uncle, sister Ashleigh, and grandmother came for a five day visit over graduation
• My parents, Betty and Dorman, and sister Allison came for a few days over graduation and the following weekend



My uncle and I at graduation!

• Jason and I moved to Lexington where we currently reside with his parents
• A poem of mine was selected to be included an anthology of biblical poetry
• I helped coordinate Theological Revue, an annual roasting of HDS by its own students
• As a graduation present, Jason took me to my first Red Sox game (even though I was on crutches from falling mid-moving)

A photo Jason took of me on his front porch

June arrived without my permission, speeding me through my early summer. Most of the month was spent writing (more below) and applying to jobs in Denver. It also brought with it an extended weekend in Maine, learning to fly fish and playing games with Jason, his parents Paul and Kathy, his brothers Casey and Brian, and the ever lovely Emma. I caught 20 fish and was promoted to "no longer a beginner" at fly fishing by Maine Fishing Guide Tom, who took Jason and I to a special spot to wade into the water and catch a dozen or so fish. The experience was delightful as I'd only ever done spin casting and found fly fishing to be a much more technical and engaging endeavor. I also had the great pleasure of watching my dear friend from college Meghann marry her lovely husband Joe. It was a wonderful time to celebrate love and catch up with another dear friend Chelsea and meet her hilarious and fun boyfriend, Matt. Jason and I received many a compliment on our rug-cutting. On the writing front, I wrote 50,000+ words in June, completing the first draft of my novel (which is what the creative piece Lilith's Repose turned into). It was a true feat which found me typing as quickly as possible minutes before we had to run to the wedding.

July is more or less in full swing and has already involved the meeting of Jason's extended family (on both sides!) for a family gathering in Brewster. I met Paul's parents, all of Paul's siblings, their kids, and one lovely kid's kid. I also spent a good deal of time with Kathy's mother and sister, both of whom I had had the distinct pleasure of meeting before. My days at Brewster passed too quickly, filled with sunshine (only one sunburn!), lots of quality beach and arts time with my new friends Sasha, who turns 10 next week, Ayden, an eight year old, and Lily, who is two and a half. The week also included: bonfires, Duck, Duck, Goose, s'mores, bocce (and more bocce), family photos, delicious meals, drinks on the deck, drinks on the beach, fireworks, the Brewster Coffee Shop, Risk, THE BOAT!!, dancing when everyone else is playing bocce, eating waaaay too much, ice cream at Kate's! and pretending to read when really I was sunbathing with an open book. Last night, we returned from Cape Cod to our lovely residence in Lexington, where we hosted a bunch of our friends for a barbecue and other festivities. Today has brought rest and now time to work, work, work. We are both completing applications, job searching, and trying not to go too crazy. It's a scary time to be without a job and looking for some way to make money/support a life/our dog. Jason is also working to complete a little remaining graduate work and I'm working on the materials for a wedding I will be officiating for my friends Krista and Joseph in early August. My other hopes for July are to edit my book, finish the manuscript for a childrens' book that Emma and I have been discussing for ages, edit my play (and submit it to a contest), and write a few submissions for other magazines and books.

We will be leaving to go to Denver for about a week in a few days, so that Jason can interview and we can look for an apartment. Upon our return, we will begin packing, have a yard sale, rent a pod (for shipping all our stuff out), and begin our drive. I fly to Seattle for the wedding I am officiating on August 2 from Denver, and so we have a deadline by which we'd like to be in Denver (and I'll have to be in Denver).

August will hopefully bring with it not only our friends' wedding, but starting new jobs and settling into a new place. We're both nervous and excited and hopeful and trying to remember we're on the same team. It's hard to keep a level head when so much is in flux. It's hard to remember who is rooting for you and who isn't. It's hard to trust in what hasn't quite materialized yet.

A little story!

Jason and I were both freaking out a little bit the other day. We were in Brewster still and had gone on a car ride to clear our minds. We sat in the parked (but still running car), hesitant to go back inside and face the world/the family. He had had a job interview that day and wasn't sure about what the outcome might be (something that had happened to me two weeks earlier) and I was just becoming exhausted by the job search (I've applied for so much and only gotten one phone interview). We looked at each other with eyes full of tears and fear and I said, "You know, it's really scary, but we're only 25 and 26. And, we have each other and we know what we really want to do. That seems like a lot to me."

            Jason smiled and my heart melted the way it only melts for him. "We're pretty lucky."

            Still a bit shaky, we went back into the house. That night, I heard Jason share with his aunt how happy he was and how he believed we were going to be okay because "We know what we want to do with our lives and who we want to spend them with. Now we just gotta find jobs."

            It's scary to be unemployed. It's scary to move to a new place. It's scary to be so young and also suddenly kind of old. But, for the first time, I'm scared with someone who wants to be scared with me. Don't get me wrong. I'm lucky. I've always had friends and family who support me through everything and will do anything for me. And, I know that in a heartbeat Chloe, or Katie, or Tasia, or Lavinia, or Jason F., or Adam, or Amy, or my parents, or my sisters, or my uncle, or my grandma, or...any of you probably would take me into your homes and hold me and help me figure things out, but it's different to have someone cast their lot with you. It's different for Jason and I to be gambling on the same thing. And, it's exciting. Who knows if it will blow up in our faces or if we'll fight (I'm sure we will) or if we'll hate Denver or if we'll love it? I don't. But, I'm excited to try and there's no one else I'd rather try with. Oh, and Ace will be there, so it'll definitely be fun.