One year and two days

I remember this day last year. It's not a special day, really. Just December fourth. I'm not sure if anything of historic significance ever happened on this day and I'm not aware of any birthdays on this day (I realize people have been born on this day, but no one that I know is coming to mind at the moment). I didn't do anything significant on this day last year. It was just an average grad school Sunday spent studying and writing.

Then something wonderful happened. The person I'd been on a date with two days earlier texted me. He wrote just to say he was near my house (even though I think I was somewhere else) and that he'd thought of me. The conversation evolved and we made plans to go on another date the next day.
After our conversation ended, I remember wishing we were still talking, just the way today when I talked to Jason on my break at work I wished the conversation wouldn't end. I liked talking to this guy. He was funny and suave and surprisingly dorky for how cool he seemed. Something inside me leapt with joy and I wished with everything I had that I wouldn't mess this up.

I'm not much for the beginning of relationships. I don't like the process of slowly revealing oneself. I'm the same way in friendships and even on this blog. I'm not interesting because I'm a mystery. I'm a pretty open book. I knew I liked him (a lot) and that I wanted to skip over the beginning, the how-much-is-too-much-to-share worrying, the concerns about spending too much time together. That much was apparent to me even then.

However, if you'd told me then that we'd have a little apartment in our own little corner of Denver by this point, I'd have said you were crazy. But, somewhere between the butterflies in my stomach of a new relationship and the giant, miserable fight we had last night, I found what I didn't know I was looking for. I found Jason. It's not always fun. It's certainly not always perfect, but our relationship causes me to grow and develop as a person everyday. Sometimes, that's annoying, but most of the time, it's enjoyable. And, it's always a gift.

If I try to figure out exactly when I loved Jason or when we became something solid, a place for me to stand, I don't think I could pinpoint it. So much has happened in the last year and we both have grown and changed so much. It's been amazing. And, kind of awful at points. We've "talked" for so long we both just want to walk away. We've hurt each other by accident and sometimes we've even been mean to one another. Personally, I get it. Jason and I were both single people, on our own path, not really needing anyone else. And, now we do. Despite ourselves, we need each other. Not because we can't live without one another, but because we make each other better.

Let me see if I can explain. You see, there are these times when the bully in me beats up on the little girl in me. When I feel like I'll never be good enough or do enough or get my act together enough. When I feel like my writing is awful and my relationships are a sham. When I feel like I'm just that bad little girl who forgot the simplest task. Trapped in the dark cellar of my own creation, broken down and sad, I can hear a small tap at the door. Sometimes it stays quiet, sometimes it grows louder. It never desists. When I open the door, light floods into the dank room and I'm freed from my own darkness. It takes both of us. As much as Jason has to knock, I have to answer.
Could I do it all alone? Maybe. Would I? I'm not sure. Today, though, 367 days later, I'm just grateful I don't have to.